The Boo-Hoo You Do

So earlier this evening, I just burst into tears.  There are a lot of things going on in my life right now and I just couldn't take it anymore and I burst into tears.

After I had a good cry, I realized I felt a lot better, if not at a little peace.  It got me to thinking:  Is crying really that therapeutic, or is it just in our heads?

When I want to know something, I go straight to Google.  The info I got below came from http://www.tranquilityisyours.com/cry.html but I've pulled bits from it to put here.

When we are young, most of us are instructed not to cry.   Our parents say to us, "Stop crying!"  If you cry, you are considered weak.  How many people read the first two sentences of my post and said to themselves, "This lady's got problems?"  Well, who doesn't?  Crying differs in many different cultures.  In most western cultures, it's more sociably acceptable for women and children to cry and less socially for men to cry.

The truth is, though, that crying has a very definite purpose.  A study by the University of Minnesota states that chemicals that build up in your body during emotional stress can be removed during your tears, and unreleased stress can increase your risk for heart attack and damage certain areas of your brain.  So your ability to cry is not only therapeutic, but it could even be considered a survival tactic.  Sometimes patients who enter therapy for the first time will begin crying almost the moment they sit down due to releasing the amount of stress they bear; all in front of a complete stranger.

We cry at weddings, graduations, or births.  We even cry when we laugh.  Why would we choke back the tears when we really need to let them out; when we're emotionally stressed, sad, in physical pain, or depressed?  Natural stress relief is really the best of all options.

Personally, I don't think this means you should break down in public whenever you feel like it, nor should you set aside a time a week to cry.  That wouldn't be very productive for your social life, nor would it be very healthy, to time your tears.  But rather, when you find yourself becoming overwhelmed and unable to keep it in, wait until you are alone and let it out.  Don't be afraid to cry.  It's alright.  It's your body releasing stress and going into survival mode.

Going along with a good cry are the annoying side effects, like puffy eyes and runny noses.  After you are done crying, put a cold compress over your eyes or they will be swollen for hours.

A study by the University of South Florid found that almost everyone feels better after a cry, and that personality has a major effect on how often we cry.  An overwhelming majority of participants reported mood improvement after crying.  It helps us clear our minds and once we rid ourselves of those overwhelming emotions, we are able to think better.

BUT, crying may not be how you deal with stress.  However, the latest research seems to suggest that it's highly effective at encouraging the body to heal and it improves the mood of 88.8% of those who cry.  Only 8.4% of the subjects reported feeling worse after weeping.  Some researchers suggest that crying is so beneficial that there may be a case for inducing crying in those who find it difficult to let it go.

Sure, there are other ways of dealing with stress:  exercise, sex, sleep, massages, baths.....but a good cry is definitely a great way to do it.

So don't be afraid to cry whenever things are getting a little much to deal with.  It's not a sign of weakness.  It's actually a sign of survival.  The human body cannot handle everything at once and it's okay to relieve the stress with a good cry.

I know I felt much better after I cried.  And posting this information here helps me a lot too.  I like to think I'm helping you out as well as myself.  We're in this together.

Love,
Charlotte

Worry-Wart

Happy New Year!

No crap about New Years Resolutions.  If you've made some and plan to stick to them, I encourage and support you.  If you, like me, haven't made any, it's okay too.  Whatever works for you.

Now.

I have discovered something about myself.  I worry.  A lot.  In fact, I would probably be what someone might call "A Chronic Worrier."  If I have important things to do, instead of doing them, I freak out about them and think worst case scenarios.  If I have to do a project and it's due by a certain time, I freak out that something bad will happen to me.  Sometimes I don't even imagine what exactly.  Just something bad.

So imagine what happens when I have a lot to do or a lot of important things coming up.

*fetal position*

A lot of us are worriers, some more than others.  I am one of them.  How can we deal with stress in a healthy way so we don't curl up in a ball and wish the world away?

I have found some ideas that I hope to integrate into my life.  Writing them down and sharing them with you is how I'm starting to cope with stress.  I found these on a website (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm) and I'm giving you a summary of what they have listed.  If you want more in depth, go to their site.

#1:  Accept Uncertainty

Just face it.  You can't control everything that happens, and you're never going to know with 100% certainty what is going to happen unless an alien crash-lands in your attic and bestows upon you the Orb of Certainty.  Yeah, that WAS retarded.  Because it will never happen.

So, in order to cope, one must ask oneself (and answer) these questions:

= Is it possible to be certain about everything in life?

= What are the advantages of requiring certainty, versus the disadvantages?  Or, how is needing certainty in life helpful and unhelpful?

=Do you tend to predict bad things will happen just because they are uncertain?  Is this a reasonable thing to do?  What is the likelihood of positive or neutral outcomes?

=Is it possible to live with the small chance that something negative may happen, given its likelihood is very low?

Bottom line:  We have to accept that we have no control over that which we do not know.  Our only job is to do the best we can with what we've got and let God take care of the rest.  That's what I do, and even though I'm a worry-wart, if I do this, I am  able to cope better.

#2:  Create a Worry Period

What the website said is to postpone your worrying time to a specific time period, like 5-5:20 a.m.  During that time, allow yourself to worry about whatever is on your mind.  After that time period is up, stop worrying and go about your day doing whatever is necessary.  Don't worry about anything else the rest of the day.  Also, don't do your worrying before you go to bed, or you risk the chance of not being able to sleep.  Make a list of stuff to worry about and then worry about them in your worry time.  If you develop the ability to postpone your anxious thoughts, you'll experience a greater sense of control

I haven't tried this one, but I will try it.  I'm open to almost anything that can help me deal with stress better.

#3: Challenge Negative Thoughts

Cognitive Distortions are how we believe ourself to be when in reality, it can be the opposite.  We tell ourselves that we suck, we're too fat, we're too dumb, we're a failure, when we really aren't.  But when we truly believe something, it is almost the same as fact.  They are often parts of lifelong patterns that are hard to break.

Cognitive Distortions that Lead to Anxiety and Worry
All-or-nothing thinking	Looking at things in black-or-white categories,  with no middle ground  (“If I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.”)
Overgeneralization	Generalizing from a single negative experience,  expecting it to hold true forever  (“I didn’t get hired for the job. I’ll never get any job.”)
The mental filter	Focusing on the negatives while filtering out all the positives.  Noticing the one thing that went wrong,  rather than all the things that went right.
Diminishing the positive	Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count (“I did well on the presentation, but that was just dumb luck.”)
Jumping to conclusions	Making negative interpretations without actual evidence.  You act like a mind reader  (“I can tell she secretly hates me.”)  or a fortune teller  (“I just knowsomething terrible is going to happen.”)
Catastrophizing	Expecting the worst-case scenario to happen  (“The pilot said we’re in for some turbulence.  The plane’s going to crash!”)
Emotional reasoning	Believing that the way you feel reflects reality (“I feel frightened right now.  That must mean I’m in real physical danger.”)
'Shoulds’ and ‘should-nots’	Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should  and shouldn’t do–and beating yourself up  if you break any of the rules
Labeling	Labeling yourself based on mistakes and  perceived shortcomings (“I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.”)
Personalization	Assuming responsibility for things that are  outside your control (“It’s my fault my son  got in an accident. I should have warned him  to drive carefully in the rain.”)

Stop worry by questioning the worried thought:

• What’s the evidence that the thought is true? That it’s not true?
• Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?
• What’s the probability that what I’m scared of will actually happen?
• If the probability is low, what are some more likely outcomes?
• Is the thought helpful? How will worrying about it help me and how will it hurt me?
• What would I say to a friend who had this worry?

#4:  Learn How to Relax

For serious.  This one is SO hard!  I can barely sit still when I'm stressin'.  Even though I'm not Buddhist or anything, I've started a form of meditation.  I basically put on meditation music, turn off all the lights, light a few candles, and lie on the floor with my back straight.  I breathe in deeply through my nose and let my diaphragm do the breathing and not just my lungs.  I make a tiny "o" with my mouth and slowly exhaled through my lips until I run out of air.  Then I take another.  I do this for about ten minutes.  I also stretch my legs out and arms out.  I close my eyes and I pray to God while I'm breathing. I tell Him all about what I'm worrying about and how I feel and I tell Him to help me to do my best in life and to let Him take the rest.  I've started doing this before I go to bed and I honestly sleep better and feel better.

Anxiety is more than just a feeling. It’s the body’s physical “fight or flight” reaction to a perceived threat. Your heart pounds, you breathe faster, your muscles tense up, and you feel light-headed. When you’re relaxed, the complete opposite happens. Your heart rate slows down, you breathe slower and more deeply, your muscles relax, and your blood pressure stabilizes. Since it’s impossible to be anxious and relaxed at the same time, strengthening your body’s relaxation response is a powerful anxiety-relieving tactic.

If you’re a chronic worrier, relaxation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, and meditation can teach you how to relax. The key is regular practice. Try to set aside at least 30 minutes a day. Over time, the relaxation response will come easier and easier, until it feels natural.

• Progressive muscle relaxation. When anxiety takes hold, progressive muscle relaxation can help you release muscle tension and take a “time out” from your worries. The technique involves systematically tensing and then releasing different muscle groups in your body. As your body relaxes, your mind will follow.
• Deep breathing. When you’re anxious, you breathe faster. This hyperventilation causes symptoms such as dizziness, breathlessness, lightheadedness, and tingly hands and feet. These physical symptoms are frightening, leading to further anxiety and panic. But by breathing deeply from the diaphragm, you can reverse these symptoms and calm yourself down.
• Meditation. Many types of meditation have been shown to reduce anxiety. Mindfulness meditation, in particular, shows promise for anxiety relief. Research shows that mindfulness meditation can actually change your brain. With regular practice, meditation boosts activity on the left side of the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for feelings of serenity and joy.

#5:  Take Care of Yourself

If you don't, worry and anxiety rule your life.  Reach out to other people.  The anxious feelings get worse when we feel powerless and alone.  The more connected you are to other people, the less vulnerable you'll feel.  If you're overwhelmed, call a friend or a family member.  Talk to them on Facebook or AIM.  Sometimes just talking out loud about your worries can make them seem less threatening.

Adopt healthy eating habits.  Regulating your blood sugar and your digestive system, eases your body throughout the day.  Limit caffeine and sugar.  We know it's tasty, but it makes us crash easily.  We get irritable.  Then we get tired out.

Exercising relieves stress.  I like to swim laps at the gym I belong to.  Releasing the endorphines will make us feel better.  Avoid alcohol.  It's a depressant.  Which doesn't make sense since a lot of people drink when they are depressed.  Smoking also leads to higher anxiety.

GET ENOUGH SLEEP!  We don't.  We'd rather watch tv when we get home from work or school, go out with the friends...if we just take at least two nights a week where we get 8-9 hours of sleep, we will so much better off!

#6:  Raise Your Emotional Intelligence.

Emotions are powerful. They can override thoughts and profoundly influence behavior. But if you are emotionally intelligent, you can harness the power of your emotions.

Emotional intelligence isn’t a safety net that protects you from life’s tragedies, frustrations, or disappointments. We all go through disappointments, loss, and change. And while these are normal parts of life, they can still cause sadness, anxiety, and stress. But emotional intelligence gives you the ability to cope and bounce back from adversity, trauma, and loss. In other words, emotional intelligence makes you resilient.

Emotional intelligence gives you the ability to:

• Remain hopeful during challenging and difficult times
• Manage strong feelings and impulses
• Quickly rebound from frustration and disappointment
• Ask for and get support when needed
• Solve problems in positive, creative ways

I hope that these help you out.  I know they have helped me a lot.  I was stressing out about a few things, which caused me to research some techniques to control my worrying.  I found this, and after reading it over and writing about it, my stress has been put under control.  I am ready to face the day's challenges!

Breathe in, breathe out.

Love,

Charlotte

Feeling Murderous? Kill with Kindness.

Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with all the hate in the world.  We have political hate, social hate, racial hate, religious hate, self-hate.  We hate everyone including ourselves, and when that happens, nobody gets along and we can't trust anyone.  This stress makes it hard to get through the day.  So how do we do it?

I challenge everyone to change their way of thinking today.

Today, forget yourself and do something for other people.  And I don't mean something big.  Begin doing things for people that you would want them to do for you, but the trick is, don't expect anything back.  I know, how crazy is that?   The truth is, a lot of us do things for people and when we don't get a thank-you or gesture of gratitude back, we get defensive and go "Well, that's the last time I do that for them!"

So open doors for people with a smile.  Let someone cut in front of you in traffic (GASP!  I know, this one is hard for me.).  When you are standing in line at the store, don't get all bent out of shape because the line is not going as fast as you want it to.  Smile at the cashier and say hello and thank you.  When you see someone, give them a warm smile.  Call someone and say hello, or Facebook/Myspace/Yahoo! Messenger/AIM them.

Do it for a day.  Don't expect a hug or a smile back or even a thanks.  Do it for the sake of doing it.  At the end of the day, think back on all the things you did for people.  It may be something big like letting them in front of you at the store or something tiny like handing someone a fork at lunch when you discovered that they needed one.  Congratulate yourself.  You don't have to be flippin' Angelina Jolie and the goodwill ambassador to the world to do something great.  It starts with a smile and a gesture of kindness in everyday life.

The next day, get up in the morning and tell yourself that you are going to find the opportunity to do something for someone.  At the end of the day, ask yourself, "what did I do for someone today?"

The truth is, sometimes you might get a thanks.  Sometimes you get nothing.  Sometimes you might get a dirty look or cautious expression from people.  Sometimes people are skeptical of nice people.  Change their perceptions.

Bottom line:  The world would be a nicer place if we stopped placing ourselves first all the time.  Taking care of ourselves is important, but often, the gesture of placing others before ourselves is overlooked because we're all trying to get a piece of the quickly-diminishing pie.

I get mad when people cut me off in traffic.  Like who are they that they are better than me?  But the truth is, I don't know what is going on in their life.  Maybe they had a death in the family and are distracted while driving and didn't even realize they cut me off.  Maybe they have a job interview or a personal problem and aren't paying much attention.  Well,  you say, is that my problem?  I have a lot of stuff to do too, why should I let them get in my way?

Maybe because it doesn't make us any happier, accommodating, or kinder when we think like that.  Sure, you have every right to just say to hell with them, I have stuff to do.  But how much happier does that make you?  Irritability can cause anger problems and sleep deprivation, which only causes us to be more irritable.  Instead, if we say, "go 'head, sir/ma'am, you can get in front of me," we let them through and even if they don't acknowledge it, we know in our hearts that we took the higher road and it can make us feel good, if we let it.  This doesn't mean we let people walk all over us, but if we have the opportunity to take the higher road, we should.  It's the nice thing to do.

So try it out.  Do something nice.  Make it a habit.  You'll just find life a little more cheery if you make the effort.  No, you don't have to, but what have you got to lose?

I'm going to try this out next week.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Love,
Charlotte

The Beginning

Several highly-unscientific-probably-very-biased Google searches revealed to me that there are roughly 10 million, or around 4% of Americans in some kind of therapy.  This really doesn't mean much when you take into count the economic crisis, unemployment rate, drugs, mental illnesses, and other miscellaneous factors.  It doesn't take into count how long they have been in therapy.  Are they a returning customer or was it just a free session they won at a bingo tournament?

The truth is, we don't really know, right?  We can guess, but the bottom line is:  A lot of people are in therapy.  Duh.  Thanks for the newsflash.

I won't go into the whole thing in this post, but in short, around October 2008, I realized I was in trouble.  I was in college at the time and I went to the student affairs office and asked to talk to one of the counselors.  It was free to students so I made an appointment and within a couple of days, I found myself in her office.

The first thing I did was to take an evaluation, which was a scantron-looking test that asked questions like "I hate myself" and you had to color in one of the circles to indicate how true or untrue that statement was.

Um.

I can't say she didn't help me, because she did.  I went back every week from October to December.  Before Christmas break, she told me she thought I'd make a lot of progress and that it was up to me if I wanted to make more appointments.

I didn't.

Because I realized something.  I just wanted to talk to someone.  I was having school overload, friend troubles, boy issues, family crap, and a host of other things in life that were stressing me out and all I wanted was someone to listen while I talked about it.

And that is where this idea came from.  Therapy for Free.

For obvious legal reasons I have to state the fact that I am NOT a licensed (or unlicensed, come to think about it) doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor.  I can't diagnose or cure anything.  If you have a medical issue, it would be best to find a professional, because no matter how much I'd want to help you, I am NOT a doctor, no matter how many episodes of Scrubs I've watched.  Good show.  Anyways.

Therapy For Free

==========

Somebody piss you off and you want to blow off some steam?  Lemmie know.

Want to rant about something that is bothering you?  Lemmie know.

Something or somebody make you cry?

Boy troubles?

Girl troubles?

Friend troubles?

Parent troubles?

School overwhelming you?

Bored and just want to talk about something?

Just feel alone?  Lemmie know!

The point is not whether or not you think it's important.  If you're feeling it, it's important to you.  And if it's important to you, I want to know.  Honestly.

I had stuff to say and I couldn't always tell my friends because sometimes I just didn't want them to know.  Or maybe they were the source of the problem.  Whether or not you fix the problem is up to you, I'm just here to lend the ear you need.

If you're thinking how lame this sounds, just think about all the pages on Facebook, Myspace, Bebo, or what's that other one....oh yeah, Blogger, that host millions of people just trying to get their say out.  But we don't always know if someone is reading unless they tell us or comment or something.  And isn't it a great feeling when you know someone has read and cares?  If that's not what you are looking for, then you don't need me.  But if you want someone to just listen to you and to bounce ideas off of, or even just RANT about some crap somebody pulled on you yesterday, lemmie know.  I'll answer back just as soon as I can.  And you can talk to me anytime, anywhere.  What you say stays between me and you only (unless you are, or are about to, hurt yourself or others.)

I'm just the listening ear.

So lemmie have it.  While I'm answering emails, I'l continue to post entries about stuff and maybe along the way you find something interesting or something helps you.  Who knows.  Whatever keeps us moving.  We're in this together.

Love,

Charlotte (Therapy For Free)